[pinkypanther]

Adulthood is an invigorating stage of life as young people join the workforce, take on more responsibilities and set their sights on the future. But its many facets — from managing finances and buying a home to achieving work-life balance — can be overwhelming.
In this series, TODAY’s journalists help young Singaporeans navigate this stage of their lives and learn something themselves in the process.
             
                 
     
  By Loraine Lee    

SINGAPORE — My boyfriend and I decided to take the next step in our relationship and apply for a Build-To-Order (BTO) flat in February 2021— or as some dub it, the modern-day Singaporean engagement.

But beyond the congratulatory messages from friends and family, warnings of incurring the anger of the fabled "monsters-in-law" flooded in.

That is what parents-in-law have been called, those who have been villainised for their possessive tendencies, constant nagging and meddling.

Some friends have advised me not to move into the "monster's den" and to wait patiently for my own home.

One friend told me how when she moved into her in-laws' home, her mother-in-law did not like it when she cooked in the kitchen, would keep a watchful eye whenever she used any household appliances, and would complain that she did not do enough chores.

Another friend said her mother-in-law's constant nagging over her pregnancy drove her and her husband insane, so they both decided to rent an apartment while waiting for their BTO flat's completion, eating into their savings.

Even my editors warned me to tread carefully when I pitched this story to them, fearing I invite the ire of my in-laws-to-be.

While my boyfriend's parents have been lovely to me, the horror stories I've heard of my friends' in-laws kept replaying at the back of my mind during our interactions.


Wanting to start on the right foot, I sought the advice of marriage counsellors to understand why such a conflict arises in the first place, and how to handle it.

WHY ARE COUPLES AND PARENTS-IN-LAW LIKE ENEMIES?

Around eight in 10 couples who sought Mr Joshua Koh's marriage counselling services found their relationship strained due to conflicts between them and their parents-in-law.

"There are quite a few reasons for conflict between couples and their in-laws, such as differences in their lifestyles, money management and unmet expectations from both sides," said the professional counsellor from the Singapore Counselling Centre.

While he said that tension between couples and their in-laws is not limited to that between wives and their mothers-in-law, Mr Joshua Koh said conflict between these two parties are more common.

One reason, he said, was that in Asian cultures, women traditionally marry into their husband's family and hence are implicitly required to conform to their husband's family traditions and habits. 


Mr Gary Koh, a family life educator and counsellor, also said that the traditional role of women as household managers results in more conflicts between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law.


"A mountain can only have one tiger," he said.

"So when a woman moves in with her mother-in-law, there is the unspoken expectations from the mother-in-law, who runs the home, that the wife has to follow. This creates tension between both parties."

More at https://www.todayonline.com/singapore/ad...aw-1890566